This is her 2nd TED presentation:
Some favorite passages:
Regarding vulnerability and courage…
Now let me ask you this question: This past week at TED,how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,thought it was pure courage? Vulnerability is not weakness. I define vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure, uncertainty. It fuels our daily lives. And I’ve come to the belief –this is my 12th year doing this research —that vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage –to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,to be honest.
On failure and success…
You know what the big secret about TED is? I can’t wait to tell people this.I guess I’m doing it right now.(Laughter) This is like the failure conference. No, it is.(Applause) You know why this place is amazing? Because very few people here are afraid to fail. And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I’ve seen, has not failed. I’ve failed miserably, many times.I don’t think the world understands that because of shame.
The difference between shame and guilt…
There’s a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here’s what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here’s what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.The ability to hold something we’ve done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive
Men and shame (yes she addresses women and shame and it’s much more complex), you’ll have to watch the above video or read the transcript…
For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what?Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. And it wasn’t until a man looked at me one day after a book signing, said, “I love what you have to say about shame, I’m curious why you didn’t mention men.” And I said, “I don’t study men.” And he said, “That’s convenient.”(Laughter) And I said, “Why?”And he said, “Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters? “I said, “Yeah.” “They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us. And don’t tell me it’s from the guys and the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.”
Watch the video.
