New stock market definitions

Subject: New Stock Market Definitions

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself
for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET: A 6-to-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife
gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.

BROKER: What my broker has made me.

VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.

STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling your online stock to some poor sucker for
$240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo
at $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past-year investor who’s now locked up in an asylum.

PROFIT: An archaic word no longer in use.